Citigroup Acquired by 7-Eleven Corporation
Joe Sixpack, July 2nd, 2009
Lampoonme News Service(LmNS): A surprising development has occured with Citigroup. Unbenownst to the financial sector, the Fed and FDIC have quietly been working to transfer Citigroup to a new owner, the 7-Eleven Corporation. The move has surprised many financial insiders. A 7-Eleven Corporation spokesperson, Arnold Weissnegger stated,
"We feel this will be a very positive move for 7-11. Our stores are growing in popularity, and represent the future for the economy in the US going forward. The true financial power of Citigroup has been diminished more than previously believed due to the derivatives collapse, and they became a reasonable acquisition for us, especially with PPIP and TARP monies extended to us by the Fed."
The Fed has agreed to take on Citi's derivative's exposure, and what was left of the once great financial giant was transferred to the 7-Eleven Corporation. 7-Eleven has changed its status to be a bank holding company in order to qualify for Fed monies. Many financial insiders are shocked and dismayed at this occuring, and in the way it occured. Fred Crisprock of Prudish Investments, Dallas, TX, stated,
"Whats next? Will Wells Fargo gets absorbed into Circle K? The financial implications of this are simply amazing. This points to desperation on the part of the Fed to hide the real problems occuring in the financial system. The prognosis for our nation are going from bad to worse"
The 7-Eleven spokesman, Weissnegger, further stated,
"We see a lot of need for banking services. We will have our own ability to write money orders, and will be adding check cashing services, and emergency loans. We will also leverage what's left of the financial services branch of Citigroup to develop some new products, maybe new Slurpee flavors, like perhaps baobab"
At a press conference not related to this, Ben Bernanke was asked about the shocking event. He would only state that this was the best thing for the country, for Citigroup, and for the 7-Eleven Corporation, whom he said offered great products and services.